The Onion announced today that, effective immediately, it will cease publishing satirical news for the foreseeable future.

Jane Fischer, Associate Editor in Chief, said in a telephone interview yesterday, “We just can not make up sh*t that’s better than reality! When the entire news cycle sounds like a direct f**king hit from Mad Magazine, then it really becomes just redundant. Redundant and ludicrous. And… .”

Unfortunately, Ms. Fischer was unable to complete the interview.

Although management was initially concerned about laying off a number of long-time Onion writers, they have been relieved by the unusual number of job offers coming in from mainstream media sources trying to cope with a new style of writing.

Said one writer, “Usually, I have to practically beg for the privilege to write for free. Now I have, like, eight paying offers to choose from! The big guys don’t even want me to write; they want me to come in and do workshops! They’re operating in totally new space here, and they just don’t know how to deal with it. I mean, can you imagine? One day, you’re writing serious news on the political desk for the NYT, and the next day you’re covering reality TV!”

Until the current satire crisis subsides, The Onion says that it will dedicate its resources to publishing Oscar Wilde quotations and photographs of kittens and puppies.