Sources at Kaffeeklatsch News(ish) have today obtained a copy of a leaked memo circulating to conservative news sources from the headquarters of the National Rifle Association (NRA). In the aftermath of the United States’ most recent mass shooting, the NRA sought to remind their news sources of their prime directive of obfuscation. Below is the text of the original memo, dated July 23, 1998, and updated in October 2017:

MEMO

FROM: W. LAPIERRE

TO: redacted

RE: PRESS RESPONSE TO MASS SHOOTINGS

In the coming months and years, as the NRA pushes toward a broader acceptance of the right to carry concealed weapons, we anticipate a concomitant rise in mass shootings over the coming years. It is thus imperative that the NRA and our supporters portray a united front in the face of what is sure to be a negative backlash from the liberal media.

To that end, please use only the attached boilerplate template when drafting news reports about mass killings.

If you have any questions, please contact your local chapter immediately—do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to craft a response on your own! Our reactions to these events must be unified, swift, and above all, dismissive of any gun responsibility.

Remember: guns and their manufacturers don’t kill people!

Yesterday, {NUMBER OF PEOPLE KILLED-1} people were killed and {NUMBER OF PEOPLE WOUNDED-1} people were wounded in a shooting in {TOWN-1}, {STATE-1}.

Like the mass shooting last week in {TOWN-2}, {STATE-2}, which left {NUMBER OF PEOPLE KILLED-2} people dead and {NUMBER OF PEOPLE WOUNDED-2} wounded, authorities stated that this mass shooter was suffering from mental illness.

OPTION 1 FOR STATES WITH STRICT GUN LAWS:

Sheriff {NAME OF SHERIFF} noted that this was all an avoidable tragedy. “If not for President Clinton Obama and Obama Care, this shooter would never of been in a position to commit this heinous and completely preventable crime! If Clinton Obama hadn’t of come for our guns, there’d of been {INSERT ESTIMATED NUMBER OF BYSTANDERS WHO WOULD HAVE HAD GUNS, IF NOT FOR CLINTON OBAMA HAVING COME TO TAKE THEM AWAY} people who would of taken this {INSERT GENDER OF SHOOTER; DEFAULT TO “MAN”} down before anyone could of gotten hurt!”

OPTION 1 FOR STATES WITH OPEN CARRY GUN LAWS:

Sheriff {NAME OF SHERIFF} noted that despite accounts in the liberal media, there were no other people present at the shooting site.  “Thanks to Governor {NAME OF GOVERNOR}, the great state of {NAME OF STATE} saw fit to pass legislation that allows citizens to carry concealed guns without a permit or license. If there’d of been anyone there, as the liberal media claims, this never would of happened.”

Governor {NAME OF GOVERNOR} ({PARTY AFFILIATION; DEFAULT TO REPUBLICAN}) declined to discuss whether the shooting would spur a pause in gun legislation or discussion over gun control and mental health.

“This is no time to discuss any of those items. It is a time to support the communities, support the families,” {NAME OF GOVERNOR} said.

The {STATE-1} State Rifle Association offered a statement of sympathy, and denounced in the “strongest way the senseless actions of a criminal.”

“Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families and victims of this horrific tragedy in {TOWN-1}. Out of respect for the victims, their families, friends, and co-workers, this page and the remainder of our social media outlets will be silent for the rest of the evening,” the organization said in a post to Facebook.

AN NRA spokesman denied that they were responsible for the memo, saying that conservative news outlets were free to write anything they wanted, just as the NRA was similarly free to fund whichever news outlets they chose.